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As people seemed to enjoy the previous offering of wisdom from the Yahoo! Answers Shaman, I can see no reason why not to share some of his more recent advice to the confused tribesmen Yahoo! Answers.

For example, Sammy asks...

How do i get my girlfriend to be sexualy attracted to me ?

im a young 18 year old girl and my girlfriend is 23. weve been dating for a little bit. and when were over the computer or in notes we tell eachother how much we turn eachother on. but she wants to go slow. but shes also very scared to make first move. and i understand taking it slow. but i wanna go a little further with her, and scared to tell her or ask her, and scared to make first move. i dont know what to do. i want to tease her, and get her wanting me then see where it goes. but i dont know where to start, help!!

To which an obvious solution is offered: 

Go to her home, spear in hand, and painted with the ceremonial paints of your father's tribe, and tell her! "When next you see me, I shall be dead, or I shall be victorious! I go forth to slay a mighty beast in your name, and when I return with its carcass slung upon my mighty back, we shall feast heartily!"

Strike out into the wild! Let your coming be as the thunder and lightning of a terrible storm, and let your footfalls be as death itself! Bring down an animal twice your size, and bathe yourself in its still-warm blood, so that you might take in its strength and virility! When you return to your woman, you eyes wild and pulse still quickened from the kill, you take her in your arms and make her yours. Later, as you feast together upon the flesh of your prey, she will truly be yours, and glad to be so.



dreamwon is vexed by a troublesome situation.

How do i deal with them all?

ok im a freshman this year. im coming from a jr high where there were a couple cute girls. and our school was VERY small. only 180 graduating 8th graders. now that im in high school thats so much bigger theres so many pretty girls. how do i deal with it? i cant keep my mind straight

Fortunately, the young man has the wisdom of his elders to rely upon: 

Go to your tribe's tale-speaker, and have them regale you with the legends of your ancestors and their greatest victories. The next day, when you are at school, stand up on a table, and cry out:

"Females! The blood of my ancestors is strong in my veins! The ferocity of their deeds swells in my heart, and their legacy of bloodshed and horror lives on in me! Who among you is strong enough to bear my seed? Who shall be she who is fortunate enough to give birth to the next generation of my family line? Speak now, and I shall do great deeds in your name, and slay the enemies of your tribe, so that their painted skulls may surround our wedding bed and look on with empty, envious eyes as we mock them with our lovemaking!"

Thump your fists against your chest a few times, and bare your teeth at any male who attempts to get too close. They are your rivals, and will be attempting to make you weak, so that they may take your prospective mates for themselves. Do not let them! Be strong, and be seen to be strong!

You will be balls-deep in bitches in no time!


Alien has concerns as to how he ought to address challenges to his manhood...

Whats a funny come back if someone yells out your name and calls you gay?

Fortunately, the Shaman has put many such uninformed challenges to rest, and has this to offer: 

"Twice last night, I bedded your whore of a mother while your father looked on with shame and cowardly deference! Tonight, your sisters' wombs will spill over with my mighty seed! You suggest that I would lie with men, when your women-folk are mine for the taking? I laugh at you and the weakness of your family line!"

Lauren Webb has a practical question, requiring a practical answer: 

What do you do when your bed breaks in the middle of sexy time?

I like to have sexy time with my boy-toy Adrian, but last time we had sexy time, my bed broke. What do you recommend I do next time my bed breaks but I want to continue sexy time?

Any fool could tell her how to deal with this. Fortunately, the Shaman is here to fill that role: 

You look at him in the eyes, and you bellow, "SEE! We have defeated the bed! Our passion is like the avalanche, destroying all that stands athwart it! Let heaven and earth tremble at our union, for it cannot be contained by contrivances so flimsy as this!"

You should then set fire to your room, so that the spirits of your ancestors may see by the light of the fire the fierce offspring they have wrought, and know that their family line is secure.



Confuse lives up to his name, as he does not seem to realize the threshold he has just passed...

What do u do when your life comes to a point that u don't dream anymore?? and u lose all faith in true love?

Fortunately, the Shaman is here to set him straight: 

This is a time for great celebration! Not celebration as mewling infants and oafish adolescents know it, but as an adult knows it: with grim resignation. For when you feel this, that is when you truly know that you are an adult, and ready to take your place as an adult in the tribe.

Find for yourself a mate who is strong, whose fathers before them have a history of having felled many foes, and sired many children who have survived the chill winds of their first winter. True love confers no certainty of producing good offspring who will be able to care for you when you are in your thieties; old and crippled by ailments and malnoutrition. A strong family line! Good birthing hips! A cave filled with the painted skulls of the fallen enemies of one's family line! These are the things you should look for in a mate!

To no longer believe in true love is the same as no longer believing in children's fantasies, such as a sun which does not revolve around the earth, or diseases caused by tiny creatures in your flesh rather than curses and evil spirits. You are now prepared to make wise and tempered choices, and make the tribe strong!


Crickeys asks...

What do I do and how do I go on about doing it? 10 points :)?

I recently started going out with a girl. When should I hold hands with her?
Hey all, thanks for reading..This is, I know like a pretty stupid question, but I'm really scared as how to go on about doing it..like we walk to school and back home everyday, like side by side, we've been going out for a week, and today, we were like walking closer than before..so yea..please don't be mean..it's my first time.. :) thanks!

And btw, i'm a guy.. ;)

I know i've asked this a couple of times, I really want more answers...thanks
answer to that, as well as the one below

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sorta asked her if she would like to start holding hands..and she was like "aww that's so cute that you asked me and everything, but you really don't have to.and of course. :) so how do i go on about doing it??THANKS!

The Shaman has held many things in his hands, and knows how best to grip them.

When next you walk side by side with her, you should shout her, "Woman!" And then, as she looks at you, lock eyes with her. "This is my hand!" You should say as you thrust it out at her. "Within this hand flows my blood! The blood of hunters and killers, who since the time of our grandfathers' grandfathers have kept our tribe safe and strong! With this hand, I have felled a thousand foes (or substitute some other number if you have actually killed fewer), and will fell ten thousand more! Its strength is that of the mountain! Its touch as deadly as a lion! Its strike as swift as the bird in the sky! And now I tell you to place your hand in mine, so that all the men of the tribe know that you are mine, and that your offspring will carry my warrior's blood in them and not theirs!"

If she is wise, and your words ring true, this should be all you need to do to hold her hand. It is that simple!



Ninja Gus rambles on like an excited schoolgirl...

IM IN <3 & I NEED PHUCKING HELP!!!?

OK. I M IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY
I AM A KOREAN GIRL. I HAVE BIG EYES FOR AN ASIAN
I AM 13 AND I AM IN 8TH GRADE. SO IS HE. I AM 5'9. HE'S TALLER THAN ME.
HE'S A NEW STUDENT FROM GERMANY AND HE IS SO SO SEXY.
OH MY GOD HE IS SO PERFECT EXCEPT...
HE DOESN'T PHUCKING TALK! HE ONLY TALKS TO HIS FRIENDS, NOBODY ELSE.
IF YOU WANNA TALK TO HIM, YOU GOTTA START THE CONVERSATION.
FOR EXAMPLE, THERE IS A SUPER POPULAR GUY WHO THINKS HE IS COOL,
SO MR. POPULAR IS SO DESPERATE TO BEFRIEND HIM ALL THE TIME.
BUT THEIR CONVERSATIONS ALWAYS TURN OUT TO BE AWKWARD
MR. POPULAR: how was the weekend?
GERMAN HOTTIE: nothing much... some homework...
MR. POPULAR: yah... i hate that community service thing... um. how was your lunch?
GERMAN HOTTIE: um. i ate.
HOTTIE'S BFF: duh there's food
GERMAN HOTTIE: HAHAHA yah i know... the cafeteria is soo disgusting
MR. POPULAR: i know right? that's why i like to sneak to Subway
GERMAN HOTTIE: cool

DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? HE "TALKS" TO HIS BFFS. ONLY.
NOT EVEN MR. POPULAR.
SO HOW THE H E L L DO I TALK TO HIM?

I CAUGHT HIM LOOKING AT ME ONCE, BUT IM NOT SURE IF HE WAS LOOKING BEHIND ME.
A WEEK LATER I GOT DUST ALLERGY SO I STARTED COUGHING A WHOLE LOT
IN FRENCH CLASS (THE ONLY CLASS I HAVE WITH HIM)
HIS FRIEND SAID: A TES SOUHAITS (IT MEANS BLESS YOU IN FRENCH)
AND HOTTIE WAS SMILING AT ME!!! OH MY PHUCKING GAWD!!! HE IS SOOO HOT
WHEN HE SMILES!!! ANYWAY, AFTER I COUGHED ABOUT A HUNDRED MORE TIMES,
HOTTIE HIMSELF SAID A TES SOUHAITS TO ME. HE WAS SMILING.
HE IS SOOOO SEXY!!! OH MY GAWD I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH!!!

but what do i do? i really want to be friends with him...
and he is sooo quiet??!!?! HOW DO I TALK TO HIM!!!
PLEASE HELP!!!

The Shaman, however, cuts to the heart of the matter : 

Ask his friends for the names of his enemies. The germanic tribes are wild and aggressive, and his family will have many blood-foes whose ancestors cry out for his blood for ancient wrongs against them. Find these people, where they sleep at night, and slay them while they slumber.

When next you see him, hoist aloft the head of his family's most hated foe, and cry out to him! "Man! See that your enemies are my enemies! And see what becomes of our foes!" If you are at school, wave it around so that the other students might see it as well, and know to fear you. "Allow me to join your family as your mate! Our children will be many, and our foes will be few! None will stand before our union without fear in their quaking hearts and cold sweat upon their brow!"

If he is not a fool, he will be impressed by this opening move, and perhaps he will ask you out to see a movie. If so, be sure to bring him an animal you have killed so that you might eat it together afterward.


Dan Rogers does not seem to understand the severity of his problem...

Quick "girlfriend" question.?

So my girlfriend lives 8 hours away for school, and she is in a sorority. Since last year she would joke about a guy she had a crush on who is in a dancing fraternity and a leader of stuff. Anyways, 2 days ago we decide to take a break for a bit, to sort some stuff out within ourselves to make our relationship better. Anyways she calls me tonight, cause there was a big party and she was drunk, and saying she got in a fight with her best friend. Apparantley her best friend broke up with her boyfriend a couple days ago too, and she is now going after this guy that my girlfriend would joke about. She called me, saying how upset she was, and how hurtful it is to her. I don't understand, why should she be upset and angry, if she wants to fix things with me??
Any input? Maybe some female insight, am I over reacting to this?

Fortunately, the Shaman is here to clarify matters for him.

This man is plainly a sorceror, who has cast a spell upon your woman, as well as upon her friend, in order to bewitch them and bind them to his affections.

You must go to her, with your father's spear and bow, and your tribe's most potent talismans upon your breast, so that you might protect yourself from whatever evil spirits he directs against you.

Steal into his camp late at night, and beware whatever slaves he has taken control of. They are likely to be plentiful and loyal unto death. Do not be slow to strike them down, as they will spill your blood for their master's pleasure if you allow them to live!

If you can find him where he sleeps, you must be sure to strike his head from his shoulders, and then his tongue from his mouth, as many sorcerors can continue to speak for a day or more after their death, and may cast terrible spells upon you in revenge.

Once you have done this, offer up his heart as tribute to the spirits of your ancestors and burn the rest.

He will likely have a harem, the finest of which - which may by this time include your woman - you may take back to your tribe as plunder.


And finally, Lewis has an only half-informed question to ask: 

Why are females so weak and have no strength?

I was play fighting with my girlfriend on the bed and i got her in a headlock, but she couldn't get out of it. I wasn't even holding it tightly either, i mean i go gym and workout, and i do have fairly big arms but she was whimpering like a little sissy girl.

While others shriek with ill-informed outrage, the Shaman alone is the calm, cool voice offering him a meaningful insight: 

When the lion wishes to mate with the lioness, he bites down upon her neck, and though she may be as strong as him, she submits to him as a sign of her willingness to breed. It is as plain as the sun's path through the heavens around the Earth, and you are simply too blind to see it: She was whimpering not because she was weak, but because you had seduced her with your powerful display. Then was the time when you should have planted your seed in her womb! A child born of so masculine a display would have grown to be a mighty hunter, worthy of your blood and your name!

Surrounded by fools! And yet fools who know themselves well enough to ask for the voice of experience and wisdom to cure them of their foolishness. And so long as they continue to ask, the Shaman will be there to answer them.



Once again, if any among you has a question to ask the Shaman, now is the time, that the heavy burden of ignorance might be lifted from your back, that you might walk tall and proud.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment or comments. )
dwaleberry
16th Sep, 2010 16:09 (UTC)
Your yahoo icon needs a more Paleolithic touch.
dave_littler
16th Sep, 2010 16:12 (UTC)
It's based upon a photo taken of me in 2001. That's PRACTICALLY 20th century! I'm not certain how much more ancient you can get than that!

But you may have a point.
dwaleberry
16th Sep, 2010 18:25 (UTC)
A shaman needs a proper mask, after all.
dave_littler
17th Sep, 2010 05:24 (UTC)
Pic unrelated and all that, eh wot?

I'll see what I can come up with during the weekend.
katiebignuts
17th Sep, 2010 05:11 (UTC)
xD Beast
<3
dave_littler
17th Sep, 2010 05:23 (UTC)
I am prepared to receive this as a compliment.
katiebignuts
17th Sep, 2010 17:36 (UTC)
*chuckles* Good.
I regaled my friends with narrations of the shaman's advice. There was much rejoicing.
nerdfury
18th Sep, 2010 11:10 (UTC)
You, my friend, are amazing. Should you ever visit my humble country, I would be honoured to buy you many beers!
( 8 comments — Leave a comment or comments. )

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