I've been meaning to post this for years - literally years - now.

The Archduke Franz-Ferdinand is a recipe I've been perfecting for well over a decade now. It has undergone many permutations and adjustments before arriving at its final form, and over the past few years, it has been my observation that not one person who has tasted it has not been driven half to madness by the sheer bliss engendered by exposure to it.

And what sort of ogre, what sort of beast of a man would I need to be to withhold such a recipe? What sort of monster would I be to deny it to the epicureans of the world? What if I were to die tomorrow? Could I pass from existence without a bitter scream of anguish at the thought that I had denied posterity the benefit of this recipe by merest dint of not having posted it online? 

No, no. It would not do. So hold on to your asses, ass-holders. For here be the key to the preparation of the ultimate expression of the culinary arts: The aptly-if-enigmatically-named Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

Ingredients: 

Ground beef (half a pound or so)
Fusilli. Lots of it.
Milk: around a cup
Salted Butter: 125 grams
Cream Cheese: 125 grams
Black Bean Sauce
Dark Soy Sauce
White Sugar
Brown Sugar
black pepper
cayenne pepper
sesame seeds
basil leaves
onion powder
garlic powder
oregano

First off, get yourself a big fucking handful of ground beef.


Bear in mind that my hands are huge. Like, crush-your-face-within-my-mighty-grasp big. So adjust accordingly, bearing in mind your relatively tiny and womanly hands.

Next, get yourself some Black Bean sauce (or "best sauce", as people of discerning taste like to call it) and dark soy sauce.



Toss that beef into a pan and brown that shit. Brown the shit out of it, and sprinkle a teaspoon or two of white sugar over it while you're doing so. Like this, asshole: 


Meanwhile, boil yourself up a pot full of fusilli, about like this: 

 

Okay, doing good. Once the beef is browned up real good, you're going to want to give it about four good shakes of black bean sauce, about half as much soy sauce, and around four tablespoons of brown sugar. It should look something like this, if you haven't fucked it up too badly yet:


Now, heat that shit up and stir it constantly for five or six minutes. However long it takes for most of the sauces to boil away or soak in or whatever the fuck it does to end up looking like this: 



Now just stand there like a retard and smell that shit. Fucking yummy, right? Well hold on, it only gets better.

Once your pasta is soft enough for your delicate tastes, drain that bitch and then toss it into a pot along with your saucy beef. Then get yourself some cream cheese. I like to use Kraft Philadelphia Light Garden Vegetable Cream Cheese. Spoon out about half of the package, which amounts to about 125 grams. One big, heaping crazy tablespoon will do that job: 



Toss that in that pot there, too. Also, about the same amount of salted butter. And about a cup of milk.

Okay, now it's time for spices. Lots of spices. Shitloads of spices.

6 dashes of black pepper
3 dashes of cayenne pepper
3 dashes of sesame seeds
5 dashes of basil leaves
7 dashes of onion powder
5 dashes of garlic powder
4 dashes of oregano

At this point, what you've got should look about like this: 



Now heat that shit up and stir it continuously for around seven minutes or so. Until most of the fluid has - again - boiled away or soaked in or whatever the fuck alchemical bullshit it does. Until it looks like this: 



Guess what, asshole? You're fucking done. Serve that shit up.



Holy mother of fuck, don't you want to eat that or fuck it or something? Damn right you do.

You should have enough for around three servings (or one, if you're a disgusting pig-like beast of a man). It's a bit greasy (hell yes, butter!), and a bit spicy, so you're going to want something a bit acidic to wash it down with. Orange juice or coca cola are the traditional choices, but fuck, do whatever. You know?