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I've been meaning to post this for years - literally years - now.

The Archduke Franz-Ferdinand is a recipe I've been perfecting for well over a decade now. It has undergone many permutations and adjustments before arriving at its final form, and over the past few years, it has been my observation that not one person who has tasted it has not been driven half to madness by the sheer bliss engendered by exposure to it.

And what sort of ogre, what sort of beast of a man would I need to be to withhold such a recipe? What sort of monster would I be to deny it to the epicureans of the world? What if I were to die tomorrow? Could I pass from existence without a bitter scream of anguish at the thought that I had denied posterity the benefit of this recipe by merest dint of not having posted it online?

No, no. It would not do. So hold on to your asses, ass-holders. For here be the key to the preparation of the ultimate expression of the culinary arts: The aptly-if-enigmatically-named Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

Edit - In the years since writing out this recipe, there's been a few small adjustments, which I feel like noting here: Specifically, the onion powder and garlic powder has been replaced with a half a large white onion, diced and added to the ground beef while frying it.


Ground beef (half a pound or so)
Fusilli. Lots of it.
Milk: around a cup
Salted Butter: 125 grams
Cream Cheese: 125 grams
Black Bean Sauce
Dark Soy Sauce
White Sugar
Brown Sugar
black pepper
cayenne pepper
sesame seeds
basil leaves
onion powder
garlic powder

First off, get yourself a big fucking handful of ground beef.

Bear in mind that my hands are huge. Like, crush-your-face-within-my-mighty-grasp big. So adjust accordingly, bearing in mind your relatively tiny and womanly hands.

Next, get yourself some Black Bean sauce (or "best sauce", as people of discerning taste like to call it) and dark soy sauce.

Toss that beef into a pan and brown that shit. Brown the shit out of it, and sprinkle a teaspoon or two of white sugar over it while you're doing so. Like this, asshole:

Meanwhile, boil yourself up a pot full of fusilli, about like this:

Okay, doing good. Once the beef is browned up real good, you're going to want to give it about four good shakes of black bean sauce, about half as much soy sauce, and around four tablespoons of brown sugar. It should look something like this, if you haven't fucked it up too badly yet:

Now, heat that shit up and stir it constantly for five or six minutes. However long it takes for most of the sauces to boil away or soak in or whatever the fuck it does to end up looking like this:

Now just stand there like a retard and smell that shit. Fucking yummy, right? Well hold on, it only gets better.

Once your pasta is soft enough for your delicate tastes, drain that bitch and then toss it into a pot along with your saucy beef. Then get yourself some cream cheese. I like to use
Kraft Philadelphia Light Garden Vegetable Cream Cheese. Spoon out about half of the package, which amounts to about 125 grams. One big, heaping crazy tablespoon will do that job:

Toss that in that pot there, too. Also, about the same amount of salted butter. And about a cup of milk.

Okay, now it's time for spices. Lots of spices. Shitloads of spices.

6 dashes of black pepper
3 dashes of cayenne pepper
3 dashes of sesame seeds
5 dashes of basil leaves
7 dashes of onion powder
5 dashes of garlic powder
4 dashes of oregano

At this point, what you've got should look about like this:

Now heat that shit up and stir it continuously for around seven minutes or so. Until most of the fluid has - again - boiled away or soaked in or whatever the fuck alchemical bullshit it does. Until it looks like this:

Guess what, asshole? You're fucking done. Serve that shit up.

Holy mother of fuck, don't you want to eat that or fuck it or something? Damn right you do.

You should have enough for around three servings (or one, if you're a disgusting pig-like beast of a man). It's a bit greasy (hell yes, butter!), and a bit spicy, so you're going to want something a bit acidic to wash it down with. Orange juice or coca cola are the traditional choices, but fuck, do whatever. You know?


( 29 comments — Leave a comment or comments. )
(Deleted comment)
13th Nov, 2008 03:56 (UTC)
Explodes from joy or explodes from artery-clogging crap? Either is a realistic scenario. Perhaps I should give an additional serving suggestion to take a couple of Omega 3-6-9 caplets with it. Not that it's not just generally a smart idea to take one of those every day anyways.

If and when you do make this, let me know how it goes for you, and if you like it, then do me a favour of promulgating this recipe. I want it to spread to all the corners of this pointy, angular world of ours.
12th Nov, 2008 22:42 (UTC)
I think I have everything but the soy and black bean sauces... might give it a go. I was just gonna do spaghetti (I make some real good spaghetti, mind)

Behold my steak & mushrooms with corn on the cob

13th Nov, 2008 03:59 (UTC)
Hhhmmm. Steak and mushrooms. Haven't had that in quite some time. Might have a place on my weekend shopping list. Any preparation suggestions?

Soy Sauce and Black Bean Sauce are both good items to have in your fridge, regardless. I do not speak in vain when I call it "best sauce"; I use it in all sorts of things. If you do make it, let me know how it goes for you, and - as I said in my above comment - promulgate it if you like it.
13th Nov, 2008 12:51 (UTC)
Well I fry it in olive oil (I always use olive oil for everything anyway, this is olive oil country after all) then salt (I have some highly expensive sea salt I was given, I am unsure how much it contributes really, after all salt is salt, right? It sure looks cool though, all in flakes) pepper, chop some onion and green peppers into it. I add a splash of red wine (Or beer) and a bit of honey and then add two kinds of mushrooms, I'm not sure what they're called in English but the little white ordinary dealies and the flat large capped ones, sliced. If I don't have corn on the cob boiling on the side I might add a tin of peas to the pan and then serve on a bed of lettuce leaves because it looks cool.
13th Nov, 2008 01:32 (UTC)
Food Boner
13th Nov, 2008 04:00 (UTC)
I know what I'm talking about when I say the desire to eat it or fuck it war within one's mind at the sight of it. The delectale smell does nothing to disambiguate this experience.
13th Nov, 2008 03:17 (UTC)
i'm guessing yves ground round is not an acceptable substitute for the ground beef. this seems like an "eat or be eaten, you vegetarian fool!" kind of recipe.
13th Nov, 2008 04:02 (UTC)
I've never tried cooking with this substance, but I would say it's worth the attempt if the flavour and consistency is comperable.

This having been said, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that if a cow thought it could digest you, it wouldn't hesitate to devour your flesh. They are notoriously bereft of mercy where grass is concerned. They totally have it coming.
(Deleted comment)
13th Nov, 2008 05:17 (UTC)
You know, I've never sauteed a mushroom. I don't even really know how. But I'm willing to consider this an exchange of ideas; how did you go about it, so that I might give it a go myself?

Incidentally, how's your father doing? Haven't heard from bim in a while.
(Deleted comment)
19th Nov, 2008 04:43 (UTC)
Does your dad's phone number still end with 5520? I want to make sure I have the current one.
13th Nov, 2008 21:32 (UTC)
I have saved this recipe and am going to try it the next chance I get.

I shall prepare it as mystery and then unveil it as a unique, Canadian creation. All shall be awed!

I have not tried it yet, but I thankee, Dave!
19th Nov, 2008 04:42 (UTC)
Just so long as the name is conveyed along with the dish of magnificent cuisine; this too is a part of my great gift to the world.
20th Nov, 2008 10:36 (UTC)
That's got to be, at least, 8-12% of the dish's actual appeal; I'd be an idiot not to include it.

This dish has cursed me, though... I can't see ground beef or cream cheese anymore without thinking, "Man, I wish I had the money to make 'The Archduke Franz-Ferdinand'..."
21st Nov, 2008 04:09 (UTC)
It's a curse you're going to have to live with, I'm afraid. It does become bearable given enough time, and enough Archduke Franz-Ferdinand, though.
13th Dec, 2008 03:07 (UTC)
My friend Eric and I are going to go to a Christmasless, pot-luck style party on the 19th being thrown by the head organizer of the 'Las Vegas Atheists'.
And Eric has revealed that he's willing to sponsor the funds for production of The Archduke Franz-Ferdinand as long as I do the cooking! I shall carry the dish(And note cards with the recipe) to the wider atheist community in Las Vegas.

EDIT: Magnificent mustache indeed!
13th Dec, 2008 10:42 (UTC)
I eagerly await a report of its reception by this august body.
19th Dec, 2008 11:02 (UTC)
I've just finished printing the copies of the recipe I'm going to be handing out and in a few minutes I'll be going shopping for the ingredients.
Does it store well? Will I be able to make it now and have it still be explosive, kill-yourself level goodness or should I wait and make it before I leave? Also, I'm going to be scaling the amount to start with two pounds of beef(Veil perhaps?) and I wanted to know if you'd change anything or just adjust everything to appropriate proportions(Not an isometric increase, a dynamic increase based on your knowledge of cooking.).

Hopefully you check this before I must start cooking or I'm boned.
19th Dec, 2008 14:14 (UTC)
Just got home from work. Replying immediately.

The Archduke Franz-Ferdinand does not store PARTICULARLY well; the sauces and such form a sort of warm and yummy glop which permeates the dish, and when it cools, it congeals in a manner which is slightly less pleasant. I would definitely reccommend consuming it very soon after preparation for maximum enjoyment.

I would say that merely scaling the ingredients proportionately ought to get the job done very well, though it's difficult to say with certainty; I could imagine the frying beef requiring somewhat less soy sauce and black bean sauce, but I wouldn't want to gamble on it.
21st Dec, 2008 17:14 (UTC)
Sweet(Or should I say savory?) Success!
It went over just as predicted.
I kind of screwed up the cooking and it ended up a little light on sauce, but it was still amazing. I brought home the leftovers and it was one helping.
The Black Bean Sauce and the Dark Soy Sauce were a total bitch to find and I noticed that the sesame seeds are in the list, but not in the directions. What is their role and how much do I add for next time?

This recipe is truly a gift to the world and I say Thankee, Sai for your contribution to the positive(And tasty) side of our world!
19th Dec, 2008 11:04 (UTC)
That's what I get for using someone else's computer and not thinking... Firefox has spoiled me...

This and the previous post are Tommy.
17th Nov, 2008 19:42 (UTC)
What's the story behind the name?
18th Nov, 2008 21:45 (UTC)
I know who he is, I'm just wondering why you decided to name this recipie after him.
19th Nov, 2008 04:41 (UTC)
You can look at that magnificent moustache of his and still ask me that question? Who WOULDN'T want to name a delicious pasta dish after him?
10th Apr, 2009 00:16 (UTC)
Doing this on Saturday, looks good.
20th Oct, 2009 03:06 (UTC)
know any similar chikkin recipes? am hindu.
21st Oct, 2009 14:02 (UTC)
A valid question!

In a sense, I suppose I could say yes; there's another recipe I've posted here which is an egg recipe. And after all, what is an egg but a chicken in a simpler state?

28th Oct, 2009 01:21 (UTC)
yes, i have ogled that one before! :D
Petr Vacek
3rd Oct, 2010 14:22 (UTC)
I just made (and subsequently ate) this dish and it was, I must say, delicious! I wasn't able to get my hands on any black bean sauce (in fact, I don't even know what is it called in my language so it is quite possible that I did actually see it in the supermarket, but didn't know it was what I'm looking for), but it tasted damn good nevertheless. Thank you for the recipe.
Also, your bodypainting works, your hentai rewrites and all the other things that you've posted here are awesome.

Have a good day.
( 29 comments — Leave a comment or comments. )

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