Hey, dickweeds.

It's come to my attention that some of you - you know who you are - don't know how to make eggs good-like. I'm gonna kick the motherfucking shit out of your ignorance, though, and teach you what your parents should have taught you in order to keep you from growing up stupid and bad-egg-cooking.

Hold on to your asses, ass-holders, because I'm gonna teach you how to make some cockpunchingly awesome eggs right the fuck now.

( Keep reading, assholes! )( Keep reading, assholes! )

I've been meaning to post this for years - literally years - now.

The Archduke Franz-Ferdinand is a recipe I've been perfecting for well over a decade now. It has undergone many permutations and adjustments before arriving at its final form, and over the past few years, it has been my observation that not one person who has tasted it has not been driven half to madness by the sheer bliss engendered by exposure to it.

And what sort of ogre, what sort of beast of a man would I need to be to withhold such a recipe? What sort of monster would I be to deny it to the epicureans of the world? What if I were to die tomorrow? Could I pass from existence without a bitter scream of anguish at the thought that I had denied posterity the benefit of this recipe by merest dint of not having posted it online? 

No, no. It would not do. So hold on to your asses, ass-holders. For here be the key to the preparation of the ultimate expression of the culinary arts: The aptly-if-enigmatically-named Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

Ingredients: 

Ground beef (half a pound or so)
Fusilli. Lots of it.
Milk: around a cup
Salted Butter: 125 grams
Cream Cheese: 125 grams
Black Bean Sauce
Dark Soy Sauce
White Sugar
Brown Sugar
black pepper
cayenne pepper
sesame seeds
basil leaves
onion powder
garlic powder
oregano

( Read on, read on. You're going to love this.  )