dave_littler (dave_littler) wrote,

Learn how to make eggs good, stupids!

Hey, dickweeds.

It's come to my attention that some of you - you know who you are - don't know how to make eggs good-like. I'm gonna kick the motherfucking shit out of your ignorance, though, and teach you what your parents should have taught you in order to keep you from growing up stupid and bad-egg-cooking.

Hold on to your asses, ass-holders, because I'm gonna teach you how to make some cockpunchingly awesome eggs right the fuck now.

Okay, you're gonna need some good shit to make these bad-boys with. Have a goddamn gander. </div>

You're gonna need some eggs.Don't be a pussy: Buy yourself some Omega 3 eggs. They come from Omega 3 chickens, and those things were bred by mad scientists to take over the world and shit. They're all in their lairs and shit and being like "muahaha! Release Chicken Omega-3!" And now you can devour their young. That takes balls, man. Brass balls.
Get yourself some nice lean ham. Slices of that shit. Not fat ham, from a stupid, lazy pig. Lean ham, from a lean, muscular pig. The type that'd kill you as soon as look at you.
Cheddar cheese. Medium. You could go for the old cheddar. That's up to you. But for me, I don't want no cheese slapping its dick in my face and being all like "Hey! Pay attention to me! I'm goddamn cheese!" Naw, man. This is the eggs' party. You just take a back seat, asshole. Chives. These bitches speak for themselves. They don't need me speaking for them. They're cool, and if you're not cool with them, that's your heads up.
Half a white onion. The good half. You can just throw the shit half out. I'm sure you can figure out which half is which. Only stupid people can't.
Then there's spices. First, you're gonna want some rosemary. This shit's normally used for cooking chickens. But you know what the thing is about eggs? They've got all the shit in there that you need to make a chicken. So it all works out.
Black pepper, basil leaves and garlic powder. Got that? 

Okay, now. Dice up some ham and the good half of the onion. This picture should make it clear which half is which. I'm serious about this, so don't fuck it up.

Next, get some margarine in a pan and melt that shit like butter. Toss in your ham and onions and let those fuckers fry.

Next, you're gonna want to grate that cheddar up.

Next, get your rosemary and grind that shit into a fine powder. It brings the flavour out and makes it easier to mix into the eggs. Oh? What's that? You don't have a mortar and pestle? Holy shit, have you ever been missing the boat on life, asshole!

Next, toss your eggs in with your now-fried good-half-diced-onion and ham.

Now, mix in your ground rosemary, your basil, your garlic powder and your black pepper. Then scramble that bitch all to hell. Scramble it like it deserves it. Do it! You know it would do the same to you and everyone you've ever loved if you gave it half a chance! 

Now's when you toss your grated cheese on there, once the eggs are nice and firmed up. Don't be hasty about this. It's right at the end of the process.

FUCK YES!  Also, cut up your chives, and get yourself a bagel going around now. Because you're gonna need that shit...

Oh sweet fancy mother of fuck! Holy shit is that ever a breakfast of champions or what? Good goddamn, can you ever make your sloppy, shitty eggs again? Fuck your bullshit eggs, motherfucker. Fuck 'em hard. Fuck them with my eggs. And then eat them.


Tags: cockpunching, comedy, cooking, dickweeds, food and drink

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