A couple of days ago, voodooskeleton and I were talking on Skype about how particular she was about her washroom habits, and how many brands of toilet paper had failed to live up to her exacting specifications for softness, pliability, and perhaps some other more obscure criteria for anal-wiping excellence.
She related to me that Contonelle, ultimately, was the one she had come to prefer. And not just any Cotonelle, but specifically “the one with the puppy on the package.”
“Because wiping your ass with it is as pleasing as wiping your ass with a live puppy,” I offered.
“Well, then”, I replied, “That ought to be their advertising slogan, printed right on their packaging : ‘Cotonelle. It’s like wiping your ass with a baby dog.”
“And then flushing that dog down the toilet when you’re done with it,” she suggested.
“Absolutely! In fact, I could see some horrible, exceedingly rich old lunatic looking at that packaging, and saying to himself, ‘Well! If it’s LIKE wiping your ass with a baby dog, then why not cut to the fucking chase?’, and then he goes out and has a pregnant dog installed in his washroom as a sort of dog dispenser.”
“Oh my god,” Voodooskeleton offered.
“When he’s done with his shit, he just reaches into the dog, pulls out a live puppy fetus, wipes his ass with it, and flushes it away. Every couple of days, he needs to get a new dog dispenser to keep the supply coming. He has a deal with a local puppy farm.”
By this time, both she and I were laughing almost too hard to speak, and indeed, both of us had tears in our eyes. Nevertheless, I had this last thing to say on the topic. “And that’s what using Cotonelle is like.”