dave_littler (dave_littler) wrote,
dave_littler
dave_littler

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Script Doctoring, again

So the other day, I was watching the original Batman Movie, from the 1960's. The one with Adam West, you know?

And there's this scene, where the Penguin, in this terribly stupid disguise as a sea captain, approaches Batman and Robin, asking them if he might be able to get a look at their bat cave. Now, Batman and Robin know full well who this guy is, they can see through his disguise. But they want to squeeze him for information. So, they figure they'll play along for the time being.

They tell him they'll show him the cave, but they'll need to use some knockout gas on him first, so he won't see the enrance. He agrees gleefully.

So, they knock him out and put him in the back seat of the Batmobile, and drive off.

Here's what I think should have happened here:

***

Batman sprays his kockout gas in the Penguin's face, who begins to sway. We see Batman, from the Penguin's point of veiw, as his vision goes blurry and dark, and his eyelids close.

There follows a few seconds of blackness.

Then, we see, still from his point of view, is eyelids groggily open again, and the scene before him resolves itself. What he sees is an old, rusty radiator, with his bare arms stretched out before him, handcuffed to the radiator in question. He jerks his arms once or twice, but the cuffs hold firm.

He makes that horrible honking, bleating "wagh! wagh wagh!" noise of his, and then we cut to a shot of him, as seen from half-way across the room. He is down on his knees, naked, glistening wet, shaven from head to toe, and handcuffed to a radiator, which is the only object in an otherwise empty room. A sizable puddle of milky white fluid is on the floor below his nether-regions. He thrashes about, screaming his retarded penguin honk, becoming increasiningly agitated. The camera zooms out further, so that we see him through an open window from a point of view hovering outside a third story window of a run-down apartment building. The camera swings away, and we see that, indeed, the entire town in abandoned; a ghost town. Nobody will hear his screams of dismay, no matter how loud he is.

We cut then to Batman and Robin, in the Batmobile, as it drives down the road away from said ghost town, on their way back to Gotham. They're laughing uproriously, gradually fading to chuckles and giggles. Then the two men look at each other, and they erupt into another gale of laughter. Batman put up his hand. "Hold on, hold on", he says, catching his breath, "I've got to pull over, or I'll hit something".

***

I totally ought to be a script doctor.
Tags: batman, comedy, comic books, films, script doctoring, writing
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