dave_littler (dave_littler) wrote,

Listen! The Yahoo! Answers Tribal Shaman Speaks!

This morning, I have been browsing Yahoo! Answers relationship board, and I have been disgusted by what I have seen. These people with their problems... they make such frivolous and and irresponsible decisions in their mating habits, they serve only to endanger the future of the tribe by producing weak and helpless offspring. Plainly, they require a tribal shaman to guide them to make the proper decisions. Fortunately, I have been on-hand to help them to make these.

For example, Wickerwo asks...

There's this guy on my campus who I don't even know. Last year I used to see him a few times and I've caught him looking at me and smiling slightly. I think he's cute. For the past few days I've been seeing him in the library a few times and we've made eye contact, but he hasn't smiled. If I were to make eye contact and smile, would he freak out? I'm kinda afraid of doing anything, because he might think i'm weird and seeing him afterwards would become awkward if this were the case. Sorry this is so long...but I don't know what to do! Last year I strongly felt he had a thing for me, but now I'm not so sure...

thanks for your help!

And I was the only one to provide useful advice: 

The next time you see him, you should stand up on top of a table or something, so as to catch his attention. When you're sure he's looking at you, point at him and shout the following:

"You! Man! Why do you hide your smile from me? Do you wish to hide your inferior teeth from me? Do you fear it will reveal you as an inferior mate? FEAR NOT! I have already selected you as the father to my brood! Together, we shall produce a dozen sons, worthy of your name! Our tribe will grow strong under your leadership, and the plains will run red with the blood of our enemies at the hands of our multitudes! The time is at hand! Sieze your destiny! Let the heavens themselves shrink in terror from the union you and I shall form!"

With any luck, he will be impressed, and give you his number. Later, you can go for coffee and perhaps slay a bear together.

Much work needed to be done. I have been diligent in my efforts.

Stronger asks...

What does a 21 year old woman look for in a guy?

do women want a guy who has looks, personality, or both?

And again, I alone give him worthwhile advice: 

A foolish woman looks for these things, and in so doing, reveals herself as an inferior mate.

The wise woman looks for a man as swift as the fox, with the eye of the eagle, and as silent as the owl. One who has scars which show the mark of many battles won, and whose hand is ever ready by his spear or his bow.

Find a woman whose eyes are trained upon these traits, and you have found one who will raise your children to be proud warriors, worthy of your blood and your name.

Fearless Asks: 

Why would a guy do this? guys answer this one plz.?

ok here is what happened. i was dating my ex for almost 7 months, in that time we held hands and we told each other we loved each other. but it took until like the 6 month to kiss. ( i know that weird but i was ok with it ) but ok it's not about that, we broke up in July. and i kept in conncate with him cuz he was too good of friend to let go. we broke up cuz i moved across the country. i should mention that. well anyway he told me on Thursday that he lost his V card. i was upset of course. but i been thinking.. a few things.. one why would he tell me that? i mean shouldn't he be telling his guy friends that not his ex? two did he even care for me? cuz wouldn't he think that would hurt to hear, and three did he even like me i mean bloody it took us 6 months to kiss and 2 months later, he's in bed with a forner (he hook up with someone who lives in England but she was visiting family or something stupid like that) but seriously. would you tell your ex that you hooked up with someone?

And the shaman speaks thus: 

He disgraced himself during his time with you, by demonstrating his reluctance to mate with you. He feared that tales would be told about the campfire which would cast him as sexually impotent, which might imperil his chances with future mates. By telling you this, he communicates his sexual potency to the world, so that all might know that his loins are as hard as the mighty mountains, and his seed flows as the raging river in springtime.

Perhaps he wishes to win you back as a mate, and this is a demonstration of his virility and worthiness to provide you with offspring.

I say go to him, and see if the belly of this woman is large with his child. If so, fight with her in order to demonstrate your own greater fitness as a mate, and take him for your own. If you win, you can force her children to serve your children, who will be made prosperous by this.

Alexis is eager to know: 

Why is he like this??????????????????????????…

I know this guy who dates only very pretty girls but who changes his girlfriend like every two weeks... he says he gets bored easily... and he cant have a long relationship.
Why is he like that?He's just 17,so not mature enough... but most guys his age aren't like that... they either have steady gf or change gfs every 3-6 months.. not every week
Is he sick or smth?Why does he do that?

Fortunately, I am here to address her bafflement and offer constructive advice: 

First: You should add more question marks, so that we can be sure that it is a question you are asking. There are so few, I almost thought this was a statement!

Second: He has plainly been possessed by an evil spirit; possibly that of a cat, whose promiscuity is well-known. On the next full moon, the tribe must tie him down in full view of the moon, and ceremonially sacrifice a cat, and paint his body with its blood, so that in its death, it will symbolically kill and drive out the spirit which haunts him.

If, afterwards, he has recovered, then all will be well, and he will be ready to take a mate to strengthen the tribe. If he has not, then he is lost to you, and must be driven out into the wilderness, to live with the other lost things whose bodies are those of men, but whose minds are those of beasts. Be ever-vigilant, though, for he may return at night to resume his old ways. If he does, do not be slow with the spear or the arrow, for he is a member of your tribe no longer.

Jeska J fails to ask a question, but receives an answer anyway: 

My exes sister just walked up to me and said I am ugly?

We were at a party. I was away for a minute talking to some people I just met, she approached me personally and said that I am ugly smiled laughed and walked away to go find my ex and tell him that she did that.

This is not a question!

Nevertheless, here is what you should have done: Looked her straight in the eyes, given a loud and startling cry, so that the rest of the tribe might know you have an announcement to make. Then, you should have said the following: "Hear! My voice is thunder! See! My blood is fire! Feel! My muscles like the mighty mountain! You say that I am ugly? I say that you are weak! Fight me! Fight me, or I call you coward! Cowardace is the ugliness of the heart and the spirit, and I will drag it out where all might see it, so that you may not hide it behind your laughing face!"

Regardless of whether or not you win the fight, you will win the respect of the tribe, and if you put on a worthy show, may win yourself a fine mate regardles.

Moira has a pressing issue! 

I'm in love with a guy two years older?

i started out liking a friend of my brother, 2 years older than me. years went on and it turned into more. i'm in love with him.. help? how do i tell him? should i??

Age is of less concern to most guys than fitness.

Go out and hunt down a dangerous animal, bring it to his home and drop its bloody carcass at his feet.

"See!" You should shout at him, your hands still red with the blood of your kill, "See how I have slain this mighty beast! My will is strong! My feet are swift! My hands are fierce! While you and the other men of the tribe are out making war with the tribe across the hill, the offspring I will bear you will be well-protected, and the sons I will make for you will be fearsome and worthy of your blood!"

Indeed, your relative youth may even be a merit to you, in that you have had less time to pick up diseases or parasites which would decrease your effectiveness to bear young.

Good luck, young one! May your offspring strike like the lightning, and be swift as the wind!

John T is at an impasse: 

How can i ask a girls number whom i like very much?

i really like this girl whom i wanna go out with. I've spoken to her and i feel she is kinda interested in me too. not sure though. can someone please suggest me a way to get her a number when i meet her face to face. AND how to react if i don't get the number.

When asking a girl an important question, always remember one basic rule: "Louder is always better." If a woman hears you speaking in a soft and timid voice, it communicates to her that you are weak, and will produce inferior offspring. This is a huge turnoff.

Your best bet is to approach her with your chest puffed out. If you can do other things to make yourself look bigger, this will also help. Try wearing the pelt of an animal you've killed. The more fearsome the animal the better. Lions never go out of style in this respect.

Get right up in her face, so that you fill her point of view, appearing so massive that you blot out the very sun itself. Lock your eyes with hers, and shout as loud as you can something like the following:

"You! Woman! I would know you, and plant my seed in your womb! Tell me what your telephone number is, that I might contact you and arrange this!"

Feel free to improvise, and don't be afraid to have a little fun with it. Perhaps throw in a joke or two about how the other males in the area are soft and weak, like prey animals.

If she refuses, you should immediately mate with the nearest female, so as to demonstrate your sexual potency to her. This will make her jealous of the other female, and wish to bear your offspring. Be careful, though! She may attack the other female in order to assert her dominance, so make sure that she isn't someone whose appearance matters very much to you.

Good luck, and good hunting!

This is truly a lost and doomed tribe, that requires such counseling. It is indeed fortunate that I am here to offer it.

It occurs to me that some of you may be in need of such sage wisdom. If so, by all means, voice them to the shaman, and I shall gladly tell you how to live your lives.
Tags: comedy, culture, the shaman speaks

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