December 3rd, 2008


The World's Most Terrifying Penises, Part 1: The Shark

Last night, I had cause to look at my user profile here at Livejournal, and was pleasantly surprised to see that I was now on seventy-five friends lists. I was aware that there had been something of an upswing lately, but this was nevertheless rather dramatic. Indeed, it struck me as something of a milestone. Something which called for a celebration or commemoration of some sort.

But how to go about it? How to honour all of those visitors who come to read this journal? They come for so very many reasons. Some for my body painting artwork. Some for my comedy. Some for my philosophical musings. Some few who are friends and family. So how do I produce something which is fit and suitable for one and all, when their interests are so diverse? Their tastes so varied? And then, like a lightning bolt, it struck me: 


Everyone loves cock, right? Be they men who enjoy owning and possessing them, women who do likewise, or lesbians who enjoy laughing at the whole arrangement, there's something there for everyone. And how better to cater to this universal pleasure than with a feature which I felt could best be called...

We begin this to-be-regular feature with - somewhat paradoxically - something which is not actually a penis per se, but which I think all will agree deserves a place on this list. Indeed, a seminal place on it. I speak, dear friends, of the great white shark.

Ladies, imagine for a moment, if you would, if in the place of the gentle curvature of the male glans at the end of the member, there were instead a terrible clawed hand, at the tip of each of the fingers of which were sharp and curved talons, reaching out to you... reaching INTO you. Grasping hold, its sharp and muscular digits seizing your delicate inner workings, and beginning to vigorously thrust against them. No, you are not having a nightmare, and NOR is this Japan. This is the sex life of the female shark.

The great white shark is one of the most primordial and completely horrifying animals on earth; a dead-eyed and relentless killer which fills the nightmares of many a brave and noble human being. Is it any wonder that the manner in which it copulates should be at least as terrifying? The male shark's member (or members, as the case may be, for - as astute readers may have noted - there are TWO) is called a "clasper", for reasons which ought to be obvious: Their purpose is to clasp on to the lady parts of the shark's would-be mate. And not merely hold on to the outside for the sake of stability. Oh, no! But to hold on to the inner workings, and whilst in there, shoot its precious genetic load. The typical shark only uses one at a time (a redundancy which I think ought to earn it a bit of envy), but there is at least one species of shark which is at once both more enterprising and more kinky than most - the Tope Shark (Galeorhinus galeus) - which has been observed using both at once (a feat which I'm sure is the envy of a significantly lesser though non-zero number of male humans and a distressing thought for the preponderance of females).

The above picture is of a young and immature shark, and you will note that already it possesses male organs of a size and number sufficient to intimidate amongst the most hearty of human females. I assure you, they only get bigger with age. This photo did the rounds on the internet a year or so ago, with people ominously talking about a "mutant shark with two legs". Such is not the case, as was pointed out by Professor P.Z. Myers at his science blog, Pharyngula, but rather one of the deepest and most unsettling mysteries of the briny deep which is his abiding fascination. The deep, that is. Not the shark cocks.

That I know of.

Not that I'm judging.