September 7th, 2010

Cocktopus

Listen! The Yahoo! Answers Tribal Shaman Speaks!

This morning, I have been browsing Yahoo! Answers relationship board, and I have been disgusted by what I have seen. These people with their problems... they make such frivolous and and irresponsible decisions in their mating habits, they serve only to endanger the future of the tribe by producing weak and helpless offspring. Plainly, they require a tribal shaman to guide them to make the proper decisions. Fortunately, I have been on-hand to help them to make these.

For example, Wickerwo asks...

There's this guy on my campus who I don't even know. Last year I used to see him a few times and I've caught him looking at me and smiling slightly. I think he's cute. For the past few days I've been seeing him in the library a few times and we've made eye contact, but he hasn't smiled. If I were to make eye contact and smile, would he freak out? I'm kinda afraid of doing anything, because he might think i'm weird and seeing him afterwards would become awkward if this were the case. Sorry this is so long...but I don't know what to do! Last year I strongly felt he had a thing for me, but now I'm not so sure...

thanks for your help!


And I was the only one to provide useful advice: 

The next time you see him, you should stand up on top of a table or something, so as to catch his attention. When you're sure he's looking at you, point at him and shout the following:

"You! Man! Why do you hide your smile from me? Do you wish to hide your inferior teeth from me? Do you fear it will reveal you as an inferior mate? FEAR NOT! I have already selected you as the father to my brood! Together, we shall produce a dozen sons, worthy of your name! Our tribe will grow strong under your leadership, and the plains will run red with the blood of our enemies at the hands of our multitudes! The time is at hand! Sieze your destiny! Let the heavens themselves shrink in terror from the union you and I shall form!"

With any luck, he will be impressed, and give you his number. Later, you can go for coffee and perhaps slay a bear together.


Much work needed to be done. I have been diligent in my efforts.

Stronger asks...

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This is truly a lost and doomed tribe, that requires such counseling. It is indeed fortunate that I am here to offer it.

It occurs to me that some of you may be in need of such sage wisdom. If so, by all means, voice them to the shaman, and I shall gladly tell you how to live your lives.