September 16th, 2010

Cocktopus

Whispers by the Firelight! The Yahoo! Answers Shaman Speaks Again!

As people seemed to enjoy the previous offering of wisdom from the Yahoo! Answers Shaman, I can see no reason why not to share some of his more recent advice to the confused tribesmen Yahoo! Answers.

For example, Sammy asks...

How do i get my girlfriend to be sexualy attracted to me ?

im a young 18 year old girl and my girlfriend is 23. weve been dating for a little bit. and when were over the computer or in notes we tell eachother how much we turn eachother on. but she wants to go slow. but shes also very scared to make first move. and i understand taking it slow. but i wanna go a little further with her, and scared to tell her or ask her, and scared to make first move. i dont know what to do. i want to tease her, and get her wanting me then see where it goes. but i dont know where to start, help!!

To which an obvious solution is offered: 

Go to her home, spear in hand, and painted with the ceremonial paints of your father's tribe, and tell her! "When next you see me, I shall be dead, or I shall be victorious! I go forth to slay a mighty beast in your name, and when I return with its carcass slung upon my mighty back, we shall feast heartily!"

Strike out into the wild! Let your coming be as the thunder and lightning of a terrible storm, and let your footfalls be as death itself! Bring down an animal twice your size, and bathe yourself in its still-warm blood, so that you might take in its strength and virility! When you return to your woman, you eyes wild and pulse still quickened from the kill, you take her in your arms and make her yours. Later, as you feast together upon the flesh of your prey, she will truly be yours, and glad to be so.

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Once again, if any among you has a question to ask the Shaman, now is the time, that the heavy burden of ignorance might be lifted from your back, that you might walk tall and proud.