dave_littler (dave_littler) wrote,
dave_littler
dave_littler

I approve!

I've long been disappointed by candies which have struck me as off-theme. I remember some years ago, I saw some X-Men candy bars, one of them with a picture of Wolverine on the wrapper. I asserted that such a candy bar should taste like a sweaty, hairy man, dripping in blood and other bodily substances; this is what Wolverine ought to taste like, I felt. Most likely, it just tasted like chocolate. This, I disapproved of.

I have seen, elsewhere, candies marketed to children, which promise to be "gross" or "wierd", but I cannot imagine that any of them have ever been pleasant to the tongue. The falseness of the advertising, I disapprove of.

Now, one might say to me, "But Dave! It is candy! Candy tastes good! This is its defining characteristic! If the candy did not taste good, it would not BE candy, and thus, it would STILL be false advertising! How do you propose to reconcile this?"

My answer would be "Shut up. How dare you try to derail my argument? I hope that when you bed your whore of a sister tonight, you will catch from her the syphalus which she has receieved from the many animals which she offers herself to daily".

Today, though, I finally found such a candy which claims to be overwhelming and gross, and which lives up to the claim.

For those who are unfamilliar with it, Fear Factor is a television program which challenges its contestants with all sorts of overwhelming tests of endurance. The one which sticks with me most vividly involved having pigs brains liquified in a meat grinder suspended six feet over your head, whose extrusions would then drip into your open mouth, which you would then have to spit into a bowl some ten feet away. The contestant who managed to spit the most liquified pigs brains out in a specified time period won.

This candy exists within that same range.

I have been named milky-sama, for my ability to drink four litres of milk in an hour and keep it down. I am strong. I am bold. I am fierce.

Eating this candy almost caused me to vomit six times. It is that strong. That vile. That monstrous. This ... THIS I APPROVE OF!

No gummy worm fit for the pallette of children, this! No "chewey booger gum"! This is worthy of its name! This is a candy you would give to Klingon children!

I do not know if I will ever buy another of these, at least for myself, but nor will I ever disparage this fine product. Truly, it is one of the most unabashedly earnest things I have ever tasted. I approve.

 

Tags: comedy, tv
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