Anyways. Billy and I have drifted apart, in spite of my best efforts. He's a pathological narcissist and requires that he be surrounded by people who see him as a superior being, and I respected and admired him as an equal. His ego could never endure it. It's a shame, but there's no hard feelings. If he were to call me up tomorrow, I'd happily spend four hours shooting the shit with him. This having been said, it seems to me that nothing is ever going to come of this script; no film of this will ever be shot.
Still, it bugs me that nobody can ever enjoy this work. I've been meaning to post this forever, just so people can read it, laugh at it, and imagine the film which - in some parallel universe - could have been.
I Need you to Hold on to Something
by William R.J.A. Honeywill and David W. Littler
Copyright 2004 Loethl Productions Ltd.
Prosecutors will be shot on sight and used as fertilizer.
Leonard – A reasonably ordinary guy (or so he would call himself) with exceptionally bad luck when it comes to rental properties. Kurragan – Another reasonably ordinary guy, aside from the name (and the demeanour, and possibly, the smell), a friend of Leonard – tends to help Leonard with his troubles. Receptionist: Answers phones. Is disgruntled. Mr. Monicon – An expert on transdimensional eldritch vermin. Has a very large beard and a very large book.Donny Fiore – The Rhinestone God.Act I Scene I
Fade up on an alarm clock going off. A hand reaches out, somewhat shakily, and turns it off. Leonard slides out of bed and makes his way downstairs, scratching himself, acting generally tired, basic and typical morning behaviour. Somewhat incongruous with the seeming mundane nature of the scene, underneath the action there is creepy music, slowly getting more urgent. Reaching the kitchen of his house, Leonard pours himself a bowl of cereal and begins to eat. The music peaks as the bowl begins to rattle on the table.
Leonard: What the hell!?
The bowl suddenly erupts, numerous tentacles flying out of it and suctioning firmly onto Leonard’s face. They begin to drag him into the bowl. Struggling against the pull, Leonard fumbles blindly on the table, finds a butter knife, and stabs the tentacles fiercely. Eventually, he manages to get them unstuck and backs away, brandishing the knife defensively. He drags a garbage can over, with the look of one having been asked to go wash the dishes, sweeps the bowl and still writhing tentacles into it, pours gasoline into the can and throws in a match. A vividly coloured flame erupts, and the can shakes, slightly.
Sighing, Leonard leaves the fire to burn, goes to his phone and dials a number.
Split-screen shot – on the other side is Kurragan, who looks disgusted to have been phoned this early in the morning.
Leonard: Hey, Kurragan, it’s Leo.
Kurragan reaches to his bedside, pulls around an alarm clock – it is quite clearly visible, and the time is 3:54 PM.
Kurragan: Little early for a phone call isn’t it?
Leonard: It’s important.
Kurragan: It damned well better be!
Leonard: <Echo effect> They’re back.
Leonard: <Echo> Them.
Kurragan: Your parents?
Leonard: What? No, they died five years ago, dude.
Kurragan: Didn’t they show up again like a month ago?
Leonard: ... yeah.
Kurragan: Zombies then?
Leonard: Sort of. It doesn’t matter, it’s not my parents – <echo, clap of thunder> THEY’RE BACK.
Kurragan: <Getting angry, echo effect> WHO!?
Leonard: Dammit man, who am I always talking about when I say <echo effect> them?Kurragan: Oh, <echo effect> them! Shit, man, I thought we dealt with that.
Leonard: Evidently not!
Kurragan: Right, I’ll be right over.
Leonard: See that you are.
Leonard hangs up the phone, wanders over to the smouldering garbage can, and gives it a nudge with his foot. Just to be sure.
Act I Scene II
Shot following Kurragan as he walks down the street... the shot eventually focuses on a half-eaten, melted candy bar on the street.
Shot sweeps left and right, as if looking around, then a hand reaches down and picks up the candy, tucking it into a shirt pocket. Continues on his way. Eventually he reaches the exterior of a large, somewhat decrepit house, with a large blue door covered in patches of white paint. He opens it, to reveal Leonard sitting in an armchair, looking impatient as all hell breaks loose around him (a sporadic stream of green slime mixed with fragments of bone is spurting out of a doorway, as well as many tentacles cavorting around. A human skull bounces off Leonard`s foot as Kurragan arrives.
Leonard: What took you so long?
Kurragan pulls out the candy bar as if in explanation. Leonard shakes his head as Kurragan absentmindedly begins to chew on it.
Act I Scene III
Leonard is sweeping the last of the bones out of the living room as Kurragan sits on the couch and sucks melted chocolate off his fingers. Leonard shuts the door, catching a tentacle in it, kicks the tentacle absentmindedly, and sits next to Kurragan.
Kurragan: So, what’s up?Leonard: <Leonard looks around, shrugs> Not much.. tentacles.Kurragan: Oh yeah. See the game last night?Leonard: Yeah, won ten bucks.
Leonard and Kurragan both stare off into space a moment.
Leonard: So, want to do something about these tentacles?Kurragan: Iohuunoo, probably?Leonard: Good.
Leonard reaches behind the couch and pulls out a pair of huge gloves, handing them to Kurragan.
Kurragan: What’re these?Leonard: Non-conductive gloves. I need you to hold something.
Kurragan looks at Leonard, looks at the gloves, looks at Leonard.
Act I Scene IV
Fade in on Kurragan in the basement of the house holding two ridiculously large power cables in his gloved hands. He jams the live, sparking cables into a massive lump of flesh that fills half the basement floor. Leonard and Kurragan stare at the flesh expectantly but not particularly excitedly. Nothing happens. They look at each other. They look at the flesh. A single bubble rises slowly and bursts. They look at each other again. Leonard’s eyes open slightly wider.
Smash cut to the pair of them scrambling up the basement stairs followed closely by a wave of purulent pucey green flesh and tentacles and slime and bones. They reach the top and dive out onto the floor, hurriedly closing the door behind them. It buckles. Some slime oozes out from underneath it.
Leonard and Kurragan stand up, brush themselves off.
Kurragan looks around at all the horrible, horrible debris.
Kurragan: So, when’s garbage day?Leonard: They took me off the route.Kurragan: Didn’t you just move here?Leonard: <quietly, wistfully> Yeah... yeah...Act I Scene V
[Caption] An indeterminate amount of time later
Shot of a phone, Leonard’s hand shoots down and picks it up.
Leonard: Give me the number.
Kurragan looks at a phonebook in his lap.
Leonard dials it.
Cut to a fairly normal looking office. A secretary answers.
Secretary: Office of Mr. Monicon... <wearily> Professional.
Kurragan vaguely hears a female voice. One of his eyebrows goes up a degree.
Kurragan: <Whispers loudly> Is she hot?
Leonard covers the receiver, stares at Kurragan for a moment.
Leonard: It’s a PHONE.
Kurragan: <nonplussed> Well, is she?
Leonard sighs, uncovers receiver.
Leonard: Um... yeah. I’d like to speak to Mr. Monicon... Professional.Secretary: Please hold.
She pushes a button on her phone. A tremendously loud angry machine noise issues over the receiver. Leonard nearly drops the phone in shock.
[Caption] A nearly intolerably long wait later.
The angry machine sound continues as if uninterrupted. Leonard has a glazed, dead look in his eyes and Kurragan is industriously trimming his toenails with his teeth. The sound suddenly, blissfully, stops.
Split screen, a shadowy figure in a darkened office picks up a phone. All that can be seen is his beard.
Mr. M: Mr. Mon... Mon... Mononucleosis... Professional. Speakin’.
Leonard is momentarily speechless.
Leonard: The add said Monicon... Mr. Monicon... Professional.Mr. M: What’d I say?Leonard: Mononucleosis...Mr. M: Huh.Leonard: We have something of a problem Mr. Monicon.Mr. M: Problem? You called the right person, I’m a professional.Leonard: Indeed. Do you need the address?Mr. M: Nope. Got a team for that. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Maybe twenty.
Mr. Monicon hangs up.
Leonard puts down the phone, looking confused.
Leonard: Why did we call him?Kurragan: He was the only one in the book.
Focus on the book. Under ‘Extradimensional Eldritch Vermin Exterminators’, there is but one ad...
Mr. Monicon... Professional.(With picture of the man himself sniffing his arm-pit distractedly)
Act I Scene VI
Mr. Monicon walks up the path to the sound of mostly inappropriate music. He is dressed more or less like a janitor, and carries a ridiculously large, ratty book across his back. He approaches the door and knocks just as the music peaks. The music fades as Kurragan answers the door.
Kurragan: You that guy?Mr. M: Yeah. Mr. Monosyllabic... Professional.Kurragan: Isn’t it Monicon?Mr. M: What’d I say?Kurragan: Something else.Mr. M: Huh.
Monicon walks into the house, setting the book down by the door. He looks around – the living room by now is a mess of severed tentacles and green slime – general organic detritus. He looks at Leonard, who is on the couch.
Mr. M: What’s the trouble?Leonard: <Leonard looks down at the slime, camera panning with him, at various problems, then back to Monicon> There’s this stuff.Mr. M: Right.
Mr. Monicon reaches down, picks up a piece of something, rubs it between his fingers – and gets to work.
Act I Scene VII
A montage of Mr. Monicon’s ‘solution’. His theme song plays as he draws various complicated, strange symbols on the walls... a bit. Most of the time, however, he is busily drinking heavily from Leonard’s liquor cabinet, stealing pills from his medicine cabinet and shoving knick-nacks into his pockets – all in plain sight. Finally, he draws one last symbol, and stops. Leonard is standing nearby.
Mr. M: That’ll do’re. Leonard: Will it?Mr. M: Reckon so. Don’t think that cat’ll be botherin’ you again.Leonard: Cat? I thought you were getting rid of the tentacle things?Mr M: Oh yeah. <chews on his lip, considering> Them too.Leonard: What about my cat?Mr. M: Expenses.Leonard: And the stuff you stole?Mr. M: Expenses. <Pauses for a moment> That’ll be two-hundred and fifty big ones.Leonard: <snaps his fingers> Pay the man Kurragan.
Kurragan looks up from his place, sitting on a bed with an electrical fan pointing at his crotch, looking into it and occasionally saying things. He looks up.
Kurragan: What? Oh, right.
Kurragan fishes around in his sock, pulls out a rather grubby roll of bills, peels off about a third of it, hands it to Monicon. Monicon sniffs it, shrugs, and shoves it down his pants. The two then shake hands.
Mr. M: Now I’m gonna give that my big Mr. Monosodium Guarantee. <brief pause, gives a thumbs up... looks at his upturned thumb as if surprised.>
Leonard: Isn’t it Monicon?Mr. M: What’d I say?Leonard: Pedarast!Mr. M: Huh.
Mr. Monicon makes his way out of the house, grabbing the mostly empty bottle he had been drinking as an afterthought, takes his book, and leaves.
Kurragan: I liked him.
Leonard: You would. <He wanders over and peers at one of the symbols Mr. Monicon drew on the wall.> I wonder if these worked?
A TREMENDOUS spurt of green slime vomits out of the symbol and into Leonard’s face. He spits out a mouthful and wipes his eyes clear. He walks over to the sink and picks up a rag.
Kurragan: Guess we got shafted.Leonard: Looks like.Kurragan: Loser. <winks>Act II Scene I
Fade in on Kurragan holding open a garbage bag as Leonard shovels piles of green slime and bones into it.
Kurragan: Maybe we should get a goat, they eat anything right?
Leonard just stares at Kurragan as Kurragan ties up the garbage bag.
Kurragan: Or an ostrich, them too, right?
Leonard takes the garbage bag and pulls it out to the curb – he tosses it onto a pile of stuffed garbage bags, many of which are twitching, and one of which is attempting to slink away.
Leonard: I think we need something a little more metaphysical then a goat.
Kurragan gives Leonard a beseeching look.
Leonard: Or ostrich.
They both sit on the steps and think for a moment, and then, simultaneously they both brighten up and point at eachother.
Leo + Kurr: Donny Fiore!Act II Scene II
Jump cut to Leonard and Kurragan, looking extremely self-satisfied, sitting on the couch. In front of them, a karaoke machine has been set up and Donny Fiore, the Rhinestone God is singing up a storm. The green slime and tentacles appear to be distressed and in retreat, writhing as if in agony.
The shot focuses on a single brave tentacle, making it’s way across the floor. It reaches the karaoke machine’s plug and yanks it out. The music goes dead.
Snap shots of Leonard, Kurragan and Donny’s faces, expressions of pure horror and recognition.
Donny: Run boys!
Kurragan and Leonard bug out. Shot of Donny Fiore from behind being grasped by three tentacles and then enveloped by slime.
Act II Scene III
Leonard and Kurragan burst out onto the back porch. After a moment, there is a sound of breaking glass and the karaoke machine flies out into the yard.
Kurragan removes his hat.
Kurragan: Surely he was the greatest of us all.
And there is a moment of silence.
Leonard scratches his chin.
Leonard: Why doesn’t it ever kill us?Kurragan: Why doesn’t the road runner ever kill the coyote?Leonard: Oh right, "narrative".
Another moment of silence.
Kurragan: There’s always the nuclear option.Leonard: No there isn’t Kurragan.Kurragan: Eh... morals.Leonard: NO! It’s implausible. Kurragan: Worked on the rats in my apartment.Leonard: No it didn’t, Kurragan, you just used rat poison. Rat poison I bought for you. Because you kept talking about the nuclear option.Kurragan: Nuclear rat poison!Leonard: No, it wasn’t.Kurragan: <indulgently> Fine...Leonard: Have we ever tried... talking to it?Kurragan: That’s GODZILLA logic. What we need is some Ghidora logic!Leonard: What does that even mean?Kurragan: Figure it out for yourself, smart guy.Leonard: Look, dude... we electrocute it, it grows. We try and drown it, it grows. We try and DEHYDRATE it, it grows. We use rat poison, it grows. We heat it it grows and we chill it, it grows. Saint Donny DIED for this, and even he was able to hold it off for a few moments. Let’s just try... <as if sucking on a very sour candy> diplomacy.
Kurragan: I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this.
Kurragan pulls out a white flag. It has a logo of a cephalopod getting the boot on it.
Leonard: I don’t think that’s the one dude.
Kurragan gives him a look as if begging Leonard to reconsider as he stuffs the flag back into his voluminous pockets.
Act II Scene IV
Leonard marches back into the house. He looks around the rather filthy room and rather arbitrarily settles on a particular pile of slime to address.
Leonard: Alright. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you. Kurragan likes you but he likes eating sand.Kurragan: I think it helps clean out my bowels.Leonard: But it looks like we’re going to be living together so we’re going to have to have a few rules around here.
The slime seems to perk up a little bit. It’s listening.
Leonard: You pay your share of the rent and you do your share of the housework. I’m not doing the vacuuming for two.
The slime seems… sly.
Kurragan: And none of your filthy octopus money, either.
The slime slumps.
Leonard: And if I have a girl coming over, I want you to clear out if I give you a few hours. <in the background, Kurragan scoffs> I’m prepared to extend to you the same courtesy.
The slime is thoughtful. After a moment, a pseudopod extends, wiggles around wildly and an imperative gurgling sound is emitted. Leonard looks at Kurragan, Kurragan shrugs and shakes his head slightly.
Leonard: Agreed.Kurragan: We’d shake on it but... you know.
The slime grunts.
Act II Scene V
[Caption] Two weeks later.
Shot of Kurragan, on one side of the couch, then Leonard, on the other side. Both of them seem to be trying to make as much room as possible. Shot pans out, to reveal a tentacled monstrosity sitting on the couch between them. Leonard is holding the remote control and they are all watching TV.
A tentacle lashes out from the monstrosity and the channel changes. Leonard glares at it.
Leonard: That’s not fair.
The monstrosity lets out the most horrendous sound of all time, which ends only when Leonard apologises.
Leonard: Alright, alright, sorry, we can watch this.
Leonard and Kurragan are eating popcorn and chips, respectively. A tentacle lashes out behind the couch and comes up with a puppy, then drops it into monster’s gaping maw.
INTRO & CREDITS: