After the broad-ranging and enthusiastic appeal expressed in response to the first installment of this feature, it is impossible for me to imagine not going on to briskly produce a second installment. Let it not be said that a third and future intallment is not forthcoming, either; in my research, I have certainly discovered a host of phallic horrors lurking in some cases distressingly close at hand.
But for today's installment, we're going a little bit afield. Unless you live in Argentina or Chile, in which case, you will likely readily recognize our next specimen of genital gruesomeness quite readily. I speak, kind readers, of the Argentine Lake Duck:
Cute, huh? Funny little duck with a funny blue beak? That thing's adorable! Look at those little raindrops on its back! They're huge compared to it! The thing must be tiny! You could stick it in your pocket, and it would just quack adorably in there and be a funny little novelty pet, right?
Well that's because you can't see what lurks beneath the water... and nor yet what lurks beneath the cut.
Behold, ye mighty, and despair.
The Argentine Lake Duck (Or "Argentine Blue Bill", as it is sometimes inexplicably known) is noteworthy in a number of regards. For example, one might ask me "But Dave! Birds don't have penises! This is more of that shark bullshit, isn't it? That's just another clasper, isn't it?" Well, yes and no.
Firstly, it is true that most birds do not in fact have penises; they have cloacas, which are essentially just vaginas with the suck/blow switches stuck in reverse. Ducks, though, ducks are another story. Ostriches, peculiarly, are the same story, though less-so. In my darker moments, I like to imagine ducks and ostriches hanging out together and bitching about their bird cousins of every other avian species on earth and ruminating about whether or not history has somehow passed them by, whether they somehow missed the boat on something important, if maybe the other birds are laughing at them or something. And then, in my imagination, an Argentine lake duck awkwardly waddles into the room, and the other ducks and ostriches kind of resentfully turn their gaze at this smug son of a bitch and try to scowl at him before their pathetic little bird-brains remember that they're incapable of facial expressions because they are birds.
The argentine lake duck, you see (and how could you not) has a penis substantially longer than the length of its entire body. The precise length varies somewhat from duck to duck (as may not surprise you), and, much like humans (and particularly humans who make a point of swimming around in South American lakes eating grass and bugs), they spend an inordinate amount of time hanging around bragging about the size of their dicks. It seems that their mating displays involve waving their nightmarish foot-and-a-half long cocks in the faces of their would-be mates until the female in question sees one which is big enough, long enough, twisty enough, thorny enough and spiney enough to satisfy her exacting requirements. And then, having been put in the mood for romance, the act of creating a new generation of ducks begins. And once it has begun, there is no fucking way on earth that it's going to stop before the job is done.
Much like the shark's claspers, you see, the phallus of the Argentine Lake Duck has a member which is positively covered from base to incomprehensible tip in a series of spines which help to anchor itself in the cavernous depths of its lady lover, which itself spirals and coils about like an obstacle course deep within the female's loins. And if that were not enough, the base of the member has a sort of crown of thorns which extends like a set of anchors into the opening of its mate's vagina, ensuring that no escape is possible mid-coitus. It seems that a great many of the animals of the world have devoted more of their natural selection process to the problem of slipping out during the sexual act. And while this is a problem that any experienced lover can sympathize on some level, the sheer lengths that some animals have gone to to address it does come across as somewhat startling. But then, these animals lack the hands and opposable thumbs that we do, so perhaps I'm being a bit smug about the relative ease in dealing with these momentary crises that we humans enjoy.
Mind you, all ducks are idiots, and Argentine lake ducks in particular are kind of notoriously dumb sluts. Ridiculously promiscuous and easily impressed by a display of a distinctive dong, they reportedly mate on a fairly regular basis. Doesn't this seem somewhat futile? Doesn't it seem like one or two really good rolls in the hay ought to get the job done? As with so many things duck-cock-related, it is not this simple. If you're a boy duck, and you're doing your best to get a nest of giant-cocked little duckling splashing around and waving their dicks at people, and you know that any prospective female you might pick to be the means to this end is just going to end up getting with the next big-schlonged duck she sees, and has likely been with a dozen other guys in the past week anyways, how do you get a leg up on the competition? Well, the answer should be obvious: You get a little broom at the end of your prick, and you sweep up a little bit during the sexual act, making sure there's no stray duck sperm cluttering up the joint when you get there. Yes, that's right. Duck cocks have a broom at the end. A little sweeping arrangement which scrubs and cleans the area in question, thus clearing the path for their own boys and presumably clearing up messy paternity issues while they're at it.
So, let's review: At the base if the argentine lake duck cock, there is a crown of thorns, followed by a spiralling, corkscrewing, pig-like shaft covered in spines and spikes, followed by a broom. Try to imagine that on a human male, and for the sake of context, imagine it being about eight feet long. Imagine him and a number of other similarly endowed dudes waving their junk in some girl's face until she says "That one. Come here, loverboy" and does the unimaginably horrifying nasty with him in front of the other dudes.
And imagine that man is named "Donald". Because that shit is fucking hilarious to me.